A Little Thing Called Cedar Falls

19/02/2023

Somethings are hard to admit. It’s hard to say it straight, like the words are caught, as if there was a road block in my brain with blaring lights and a sign with a simple phrase: road closed. There’s no construction, no plans to fix the bumpy road. It’s just closed forever because that’s easier. Don’t touch it, don’t revisit it, no matter how much you miss going there. It’s how I feel about Cedar Falls.

Cedar Falls was a D&D campaign I was in and I had some pretty strong feelings towards it. I get that every now an again, once a year I find The Thing that I’m into and it will haunt my brain for months on end, it’ll be all I can think about, it’ll be all that inspires me. It completely rots my brain, consuming every single thought for days on end and… I hate it? I don’t get to choose what it is, I can’t turn it off  it’s like a catchy song on repeat in my mind, and I explore it obsessively, trying to determine meaning. It’s so fun, it’s so enjoyable to have that kind of interest, it’s inspiring, it makes me want to create things for that interest, but I can’t shrug the self hate that comes with these obsessions. It’s a double edged sword of pure bliss and pure hatred, a mixed bag of shame and happiness. It feels embarrassing to have that kind of obsession, that I’m insane or that I am ‘cringe’, and I think I’m so scared to be viewed that way. I mentioned this it in my first blog post, but I think I downplayed how deep my self-hatred goes and how much I hate any self-indulgent thing I do.

Cedar Falls was good, it was that thing for a good amount of time. I doodled pictures, made a little clay figure, played with AI generators, wrote fucking fanfiction. There came a point where… I was trying to help some one dear to me by using Cedar Falls as an example and they, in a moment of frustration, exhaustion, and stress, was annoyed at the suggestion as it was useless to them. I, of course, had a completely normal and measured response by taking it to heart and shut down the road to that part of my mind, completely blocking all passage to Cedar Falls and utterly refusing to think about it for months. The feelings built, the guilt, the shame, the hatred, and a deep sorrow and eventually it faded and I just didn’t think about it anymore, aside from a few guilty passing thoughts.

I suppose it was only recently when I realised how wound up I had gotten from smothering and bottling up these feelings. It was a stress I didn’t know I was carrying, something I’d just forgotten about until it was mentioned again and those feelings came back. I usually dismissed them, but it was a moment of weakness and I decided to reconcile, to say: hey, I have a fucked up relationship with things I really enjoy, and this specific relationship has been super fucked up for months. I cried, pretty hard, as I was told that it’s okay to enjoy things, and that they only want to encourage me to explore the things I enjoy. Some would say that I sobbed as I was told this. Uh, I wont comment.

It’s hard to admit that I was obsessed with Cedar Falls, and lately I’ve felt flickers of that enjoyment come back through. Remnants of something that brought me so much joy are starting to sneak down the road again. It’s still a little worse for wear, filled with bumps and pot holes, the sign is still up but its faded now and every now and again I sneak past it, skipping down towards those self indulgent thoughts with a… sense of excitement again. It feels good, still a little guilty, I haven’t quite shrugged that off yet… but… hopefully I can get some help with doing that. This isn’t a simple problem and there’s no simple solution, but I did admit that I was obsessed and that’s a start.

Gamers, I’m going to be real with you. My inspiration and desire to create is hanging on by a thread and I’ve been really struggling with my past project. So that will be going on the back burner/ will be done entirely by my friend. INSTEAD, this blog will probably be filled with some cringe project so keep your eyes peeled, I guess. If you’re interested. You don’t have to be.

Anyway, DM me for discussions and questions on Cedar Falls because that will be like exposure therapy that I can’t resist replying to.